Who Am I? Why Am I Here? What Is this All About?

As you read, please keep this in mind. Neither of my parents, or the rest of my family for that matter, was religious or spiritual at all. In fact, they were quite the opposite, but that's entirely different story altogether...

Once, when I was somewhere between three and five, I had an amazing experience. I was lying on my bed staring out at the beautiful blue sky. I drifted away in the moment and suddenly all of the questions, answers and the meaning of life flashed through my mind. All at once within the fraction of a second and then it was gone. I had it only for a fleeting moment, and then I couldn't remember any of what it was. It left me with just a simple feeling, a knowing, that it doesn't matter what happens in this life. In the end it's all going to be ok. In the end, it's all perfect. To this day I still wonder about the knowledge I stumbled upon. Even when I think about it now, I cherish that feeling it gave me. That was God. That's a true story.

As far back as I can remember, back to maybe two, I knew God was real. I knew that I was here for a reason. A purpose. I didn't know how I knew and never questioned it. I just knew. As a child I was content with that. I knew it was true because I felt it deep within me. It was much more real than anything else I knew.

As I grew older however, the need for deeper understanding and connection, gnawed at me. Slowly digging away at my heart and leaving nothing left but a bottomless void. A void I knew would never be filled by anything but that which I was seeking. Connection. Completion. I would observe the world around me trying to make sense of it all. What is this strange place and why am I here? The streets lined with multitudes of signs all competing for my attention. All trying to tell me what I needed to be satisfied. It's all so loud. The same at the grocery store-the TV-the radio-the magazines-the people...

The people here are strange as well. They yell, fight, cheat and steal-even kill. Why? Why do people do these things? I don't belong here. This place feels so... foreign to me. I am not from here. WHY am I here?!

The inability to understand the deeper meaning to this place made me ache inside. I knew there was something more to all this. I couldn't find it. I tried to forget about it, but it always came back.

I would wonder about myself. I learned in school that my body was made up of teeny, tiny, microscopic cells. That these cells control my every movement, my every function, and much of it without my consent. Automated functions. Billions and billions of individual cells that are me. Me?

I look at my body. Is this all that I am? I stare at the ligaments in my hand as I move my fingers. It's so... mechanical. I look in the mirror. Is that really who I am? What about my feelings? Where do those come from? And my thoughts? Is that who I am? Why do I hear thoughts in my head, when everything else that I hear comes from outside through my ears? And, more disturbingly, why do I have thoughts that are not my own? How can that be who I am if I am thinking things that I would never, ever -choose- to think about? How can my thoughts be who I am if they are not always my own? Who am I? -----WHO am I?!

None of this makes sense to me, yet I have a burning need to know. The only thing I knew for sure was that God was real. I felt it. Yet, what is God? What, where, why and when? How does god exist? And, later in life, why did God desert me? Again and again and again I look in the mirror. Staring into the deep recesses of my own eyes, searching for answers. Questioning with insatiable longing. Again, and again, and again my heart would buckle under the pressure of the ever growing void that left me feeling hollow inside.

As time passed, I grew angry and sullen that nothing I knew was truly real. This world was so fake, superficial, obnoxious to the senses, and at times even nauseating. I didn't like it here, and without the truth I sought, life lost it's meaning. Eventually my love for God grew painfully bitter and cold. Somewhere along the line I threw away my questions, locked up my desire to know and threw away the key to that too. I thought my life would be forever empty. The search was over, I gave up. Looking back at it now, I know that God didn't abandon me. I abandoned it.

Another many years after that, I stumbled on a link through the internet. I found The Handbook of The Navigator. As soon as I got it - I knew. This was the answer to the call I cried out for so long ago. I didn't know how I knew - I just knew.

Two weeks after I started practicing the foundation meditation, I had my first life altering experience. Since that day, my life and perception of reality has never been the same. I have been studying with Higher Balance Institute just over three years now. I couldn't give it up even if I wanted to. It's just too - real. Beyond real...

I finally found the expanding knowledge and connection I was searching for.

I wish the same for you.

Do you relate to what I am saying? Check out this video. It's ten minutes long but it captures how I feel very well. I love this video.